Making space for living life

My favorite magazine right now is The Magnolia Journal, by Joanna Gains of HGTV's "Fixer Upper".  I love the clean lines of the layout and Jo Jo's personalized photos and stories, as well as her themes of "Hospitality" and "Simplicity". The journal and Joanna are so inspiring -- not just her design skills, but the way she lives her life.

But it's hard to take Joanna's simplicity advice seriously when she's filled her life with two TV shows, a wildly successful decorating business, a bakery, a greenhouse, a farm, the Silos stores, a new book, a restaurant, the journal, travels, four kids and a hyper active husband.  She's worked extremely hard for all that she has in her life, but her pace would kill me.

In the past three years I have focused on my own version of "Simplicity" which looks a lot different for me than it does for Joanna. I have been aware of the concept of "Simplicity" for the last 23 years because it's one of the Quaker tenants -- Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community, Equality, and Stewardship.

But just over three years ago I knew I needed to make a big change in my life and really live into the concept, in an effort to "make space" for what's really important to me.

I won't go into all the details here of what my life was like before the change, but...

...simply put, life became very complicated and I had no "space".

I was a basket case. I couldn't sleep, I didn't have energy for exercise or for preparing healthy food, I had gained weight, I didn't have time for friends -- even for my good friend Cindy who I worked with. I didn't have any hobbies, and I was angry and stressed with my family all the time. I had no space to breathe. None. I felt like crying all the time.


So I made major changes, including a job change (I'll talk about another time). The simplicity of my current position, and the space it opened in my life, has been life changing.  I have had time to focus on my iPhone photography passion and fulfill a goal of having artwork in an exhibit. While sharing my photos on social media I have connected with new friends and reconnected with old friends who tell me the photos inspire them. I took up kayaking as a hobby, enjoyed spending time outdoors, breathing fresh air, listening to birds, working my muscles, and staring at sunrises and sunsets. Space to breath.

The best thing, though, is that I made several new friends through kayaking; lovely, artistic, progressive woman who are my kindred spirits. I also had time and energy to join a book club where I developed deep and meaningful friendships with women who I didn't have time to get to know previously. And I started doing yoga again -- another opportunity to develop friendships with like-minded men and women. I've also had time and energy to be a doting grandma, a mom to my teenager, and a devoted wife. I now feel happier, more content, lighter, freer, and more focused, without the urgency of a demanding job that offered few rewards.

"Enough with grace is abundant life" 

My current life is very, very far removed from Joanna Gaines's life. Jo Jo does more before 9am than I do in a week, I'm sure.  Maybe a month. What she calls simple I call exhausting. But we all have to live into the life that works best for us personally. We can't compare ourselves to others and judge our success (or lack of) by their accomplishments.  We also have to set our own appropriate boundaries -- and defend them with our life!

When my friend and co-worker Cindy passed away last summer I was reminded that life is much too short to fill it with things that won't matter in the end. That's why from now on I want to give my attention and energy only to those things that feed my spirit and enrich the spirits of others.

Friends. Make space for friends.

I'm not sure how I could have coped with Cindy's death had it not been for the support and love I felt in the new friendships I had developed over the last two years -- simply because I had the space to make friends.  Keeping things "simple" has made a world of difference.

 

"Keep life simple so we are able to live in harmony and
 alignment with soul's purpose." 

First goal met!

Just a quick post to share that I got on the scale this morning and I whooped it up (and probably woke my husband) because I finally passed the 20 pound mark!  Weight Watchers, Yoga, and now walking, is working for me. Now I'm not obese, just overweight LOL.

Sometimes I feel like I should be losing faster, but overall my dedication to the WW program and my yoga practice has brought me quite a bit of satisfaction. I'm wearing a size smaller, I am enjoying healthy foods, I am more active, and I feel like I'm in control of my health. I'm also still eating foods I love, like ice cream, pizza and french fries! I just make sure it fits into my weekly points.

This morning I decided it was time to make my seasonal switch from hot coffee to iced coffee but then remembered I put milk and sugar in my iced coffee last year, but milk and sugar will cost me Weight Watcher points. I figured a 1/4 cup of 2% milk and a 1/2 teaspoon of sugar equal 2 WW points -- out of my 30 for the day. I had to think long and hard about spending 2 points on milk and sugar! Then after the first few sips I thought "This is too sweet!". I'll have to make some adjustments.

I don't think I will reach my initial goal of a 30 pound loss before my 55th birthday (in about 5 weeks), because I'm averaging about 1.5 pounds a week. And the closer you get to your goal the harder it is to lose. But I feel confident I can lose another 5 pounds before then. A 25 pound loss in less than 5 months is a huge accomplishment! But I'm thinking it might be time to step up my activity -- more intense yoga and more walking -- so maybe, just maybe, I can reach my initial goal.  Wish me luck!

March Updates

March 23, 2017

No weight loss this week but I'm confident my healthy eating habits and yoga practice helped me stay healthy during the winter flu and cold season. Knock on wood, I didn't get a cold, flu or sinus infection, even though everyone around me at work and home were sick several times. I'm thinking the lemon water, the orange I eat every day for snack, all the healthy greens in my diet, plus the stress relieving daily yoga, have boosted my immune system. I also take probiotics, magnesium, potassium, and vitamin D daily, and research shows my two cups of black coffee have likely helped me stay well. Now if only I could get enough sleep.

I felt great at my parents' birthday party last weekend (even with the double chin in this photo), much better than I felt at my step-daughter's wedding last July. I really wanted to crop much of myself out of that photo. I didn't mind seeing my pictures from this event at all.

Singing to my sweet niece Isla last weekend.

Dancing with my father-in-law Don last summer.

March 15, 2017

I finally showed another weight loss, after being discouraged because I didn't show a loss last week. At this moment the scale tells me I have lost almost 17 pounds since Jan 2. However, I know tomorrow or the next day I will go up a pound or 2 and likely stay there for a week, before showing another 2 or 3 pound loss. So the pattern seems to be lose 3, gain 2, sit on a plateau, then lose 3, gain two, etc. However, the pants that I had to suck in my gut to button are now very loose on me, and I'm wearing some of my old size 14 pants again.

Another frustration for me is that although I've been practicing yoga every day since Feb 1, I'm not progressing as I think I should be. I get frustrated that I can't do some poses, or I can't quite get into the pose the way I think I should be doing it by now. The other night, as I was finishing up with stretches, I noticed that I can almost touch my chest to my legs when I sit on the floor and bend forward. However, with all the practice I've done I feel like I should bend more easily, so I wrapped my hands around my feet and started pulling myself further down. Then it hit me. I'm wrapping my hands around my feet. I'm also reaching over the tops of my toes, down toward my heels, and pulling myself forward. Early in February I couldn't even touch my toes. Now when I do a standing bend I can place my hands flat on the ground in front of me, where just over a month ago I could barely touch my ankles.

I know I need to be patient and pay less attention to what I'm NOT doing and pay much more attention to what I AM doing. I am progressing, slow and steady.

March 1, 2017

15 pounds down since January 2! This last month was difficult because I didn't have any weight loss for 3 weeks, but I kept plugging away with Weight Watchers and yoga, then this week showed a 3-5 pound drop. WW works if you follow it!

Let's not go there...

It should go without saying that recording oneself doing yoga, first thing in the morning, while still wearing ragged pjs and no bra, with no make up on and hair a mess, especially when one is almost 55 years old and 30 pounds overweight, is not a good idea. Nope, not at all. I just wanted to see if I was doing the poses correctly, and I was, but now I've seen things I can't un-see. I've watched a lot of professional yoga videos lately and I guess I had gotten to a point where I was envisioning myself looking something like those toned, thin, flexible women as I practiced my yoga.  Um nope. Even when I was doing the pose correctly there were body parts in all the wrong places. Really, that's where my breasts and stomach go when I'm bending over and hanging upside down? Nope, I don't look anything like those size 2 women in the video. In reality I know I will never achieve their slim and, um, supported look, no matter how much yoga I do, but it's difficult to not compare myself to them and think "Blaaaaaaa, you are an old saggy thing", and want to hang up my yoga mat. But I won't do that because my goal isn't to look like them. It's to feel better and look better as me.

Anyway, it's been a difficult week, weight wise. I'm still stuck on that blasted plateau, even though I've been faithful to the Weight Watchers plan and my yoga practice. An expert on TV last evening reassured me that plateaus give our brains time to reset their "comfort weight" to our new weight, not the weight where we were and where our brains want our body's to stay. But still.

Also, physically I've been experiencing a lot of pain, mostly in my hips, legs, and feet, which then wears on me emotionally. I was hoping my daily yoga practice would help eliminate the pain that I've been experiencing for the last year or so, but it's only reduced it so far. But that's a start and I must be patient. I do have more energy, though, and I am more relaxed, generally. Having a goal of at least 20 minutes of yoga each day for the next six months keeps me motivated -- I am anxious to see the results of my personal experiment on my mind, body, and spirit. I am determined I will feel "restored".

I've practiced yoga every day, between 20-60 minutes, either at home, in a group class, or with a private instructor at her home. Sometimes I find time during lunch to practice for 15 minutes, then I'll do more at home in the evening. Sometimes on the weekends I plan to practice for only 20 minutes but then keep on going for another 25 or 30 minutes because it feels so good. I move between gentle stretches to more strenuous poses that I hold for a longer time.  Sometimes I sweat and get out of breath, sometimes I don't. I always end feeling refreshed and ready for the day, or a good sleep, depending on the time of day.

Regarding my lack of weight loss, I "chatted" with a Weight Watcher coach and she suggested that I cut back to eating only two fruits per day. I had been eating three, including one banana per day, and since those have lots of sugar, I should probably eat one only every other day. That's difficult for me because I eat fruit for my snacks and usually at lunch, because they are easy and are considered "0" points on the WW plan. But cutting back on fruit will force me to eat more veggies, which are also "0" points. Today I brought cut carrots for my morning snack, instead of a banana, orange or grapes.

The WW coach also suggested I eat more protein. I've found turkey breast, tuna fish, salmon, and eggs are great sources of protein and have few WW points. Peanut butter is pretty high in points.  Hummus is somewhere in the middle. Mixed nuts are nutritious but the WW points add up quickly with them.

The coach did offer encouragement when she told me my 12 pound weight loss during my first month on the program was quite extraordinary. I need to hold on to that. I also need to hold onto the fact that eating more healthfully is not just about losing weight, it's about feeling good, feeling in control, and about having a healthy, self-loving lifestyle. I know I'm doing something good for me and my future by cutting out saturated fats, processed sugars, highly processed foods, and extra calories.

My clothes do continue to fit better, even though the number on the scale hasn't changed. This weekend I pulled out an old pair of jeans, wondering if I could get into them again, and was pleasantly surprised to find they are too big.  I also bought a pair of yoga pants in XL and they are already too big.  A couple of tops in my most recent size were also too big when I tried them on, so I bought the next size down without trying them on, but then noticed they are also too big. I think the yoga is helping me tone my muscles, and a pound of muscle is smaller than a pound of fat. If I could just lose that fat.

I think my next step is to work on getting more steps in each day. I also plan to buy a bicycle so my husband and I can start taking short bike rides. I'm really looking forward to getting back out in my kayak. 

And all these little things are leading me to be the woman I image myself to be. I want to be that active, energetic woman who fills her life with outdoor adventure. No, I won't ever look like the women in the yoga videos but I can live a rich, full life as a healthier looking me.

If you are considering trying yoga, here is a short video that shows one of the movements I do at the beginning of most of my practices. I try to do it 4-6 times and sometimes will change it up to add other movements at each step, or slow it down and hold each pose. And don't worry, it's not me in the video:-)

https://www.facebook.com/asanarebel/videos/1363819380333458/

 

Plateaus are Nature's Gift to Us

What do you do and how do you feel when you reach a plateau? When we are trying to lose weight, plateaus are certainly discouraging.  We've been working so hard to reach a goal, and are moving right along to reach it, then all of a sudden our progress seems to stall out.  For example, in my case, I easily lost 12 pounds in a month, but then I haven't lost any weight in the last week, even though I have followed the plan faithfully.

It's hard to not get discouraged when you reach a plateau. It's easy to think that the weight loss program is no longer working, which makes you wonder if you want to keep trying.

It's probably true that if you want to continue to lose weight you are going to have to work a little harder to make progress than you did at the beginning of your weight loss program. So maybe the plateau is just a resting stop for us, nature's way of giving us a time to rest, regroup, and recharge, to get us ready for the climb ahead.

Just like when we hike, or bike, up hill, we get tired and need to rest a bit before moving on. Once we do rest, we often have a spurt of energy, a "second wind", that gets us up the rest of the way. It's like that with weight loss also. Sometimes we need to take just a little break, maybe ease up on the constant counting just a little, to enjoy a little of the foods or drink we've been restricting from our diet, then dedicate ourselves to faithfully follow the plan again.  Sometimes doing so gives us a little push, a little bit of energy to keep going.

It helps, also, to look at the progress we've already made. We already feel better and clothes fit better. Personally, I think even if it takes me 4 times longer to lose 12 more pounds than it did the first 12 pounds, I am going to feel so much better than I do today. I certainly don't want to go back to the way I felt and looked a month ago! Also, it makes me feel good to know I'm doing something to make my future more healthy. Maybe I'll lose more weight, or maybe I'll just be a healthier me at this weight. It's a win-win situation.

If after a brief rest you find you are still stuck on the plateau, or you just can't get over the hump, there are a few things you can do.

- Check to make sure you aren't eating too little. Our bodies will hold on to weight if they feel we are in a starvation mode. It's self-preservation.

- Check to make sure you aren't eating too much by accident. Start measuring and weighing your food again to make sure you are eating proper portions. Even if your program, like Weight Watchers, allows you to eat all the fruit you want, you might be eating too many calories or too much sugar.  Make sure you are eating a variety of foods too. 

- Change up your food habits.  Eat something else for lunch or breakfast. Get out of your food rut.

- Make sure you are getting enough water.

- Change up your exercise routine. Add new moves, try something different. Also make sure you are getting cardio and are doing something to build muscle. We increase our metabolism as we increase our muscle mass.

- Enlist the help of a friend to keep you motivated.

Plateaus are hard but they are a natural part of the weight loss process. Don't let them get you down and instead look at them as just a rest stop.

Journey of a Lifetime

I know it's not healthy to have a "good day" or "bad day" based on the numbers on the scale, but I can't help but feel happiness when the scale tells me I lost weight since my last weigh in, or sadness when I have gained.  It changes my whole outlook on life for hours, even days. Only those who have struggled with their weight for most of their adult life can understand that feeling. Yes, I know it's wrong, but for me that's life and it's real.

I have been "thin" only twice in my adult life. And when I say thin I mean in the lower half of the healthy weight range some experts somewhere calculated. Most of my adult life I have actually been at least 10% above the healthy weight range, or in other words, obese.  I hate that word. 

The first time I was thin was the year before I married my first husband, when I was in my early 20's. I give credit to doing Yoga and walking several miles per day, and constantly counting calories. Of course I still felt "not thin enough" because I was larger than most of my friends and roommates, my sisters and most of the other young young women I saw every day.  I was at that weight only a short time until I married, then I slowly gained about 15 pounds, even though I watched what I ate and continued to walk and do Yoga.

The second time was during the few years after I gave birth for the last time, in my late 20's. When my youngest was 6 months old I started Weight Watchers and within six months I lost 30 pounds, reaching my pre-set goal.  Within the next several months I lost another 10 pounds and was told by WW to stop losing because I was at the lowest end of my healthy range.  It was fun to be called "too skinny" for once in my life. My sisters told me my arms looked like Hollywood arms.  My friend told me my protruding collar bones made me look like I was sick.  I loved being referred to as the "the skinny sister". Even when my husband told me "You are almost there, but not quite" I felt good being thin.

Me at 29 years old, at my Weight Watcher
goal weight, a healthy size 9.

Me in the pink skirt, at 30 years old, 10 pounds under my
Weight Watcher goal weight.

For about 3 years I was consumed by staying thin. I went to Weight Watchers every week to weigh in and get motivation, making sure I wore light weight clothes and used the bathroom before I stepped on the scale, to weigh my absolute lightest. I wrote down and calculated everything I ate in my little diary and planned every meal. I had a magnet on my refrigerator that read "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels". I wore a button that read "Please don't feed the Weight Watcher".  I was proud to be a "Life Time Member" of Weight Watchers -- just because I had reached and maintained my goal weight for 6 weeks. I swore I would never be fat again. A pound or two gain made me feel horrible about myself and my ability to maintain something good.

But on the plus side I drank lots of water, I ate balanced meals (less bread, lots of veggies, fruit and only lean meats), and I kept a food journal. I felt good, I felt healthy, I felt beautiful (unless I gained a pound or two).

Then over the next 10 to 15 years I slowly gained back all of the weight I had lost on Weight Watchers -- plus more. WW had changed their plan, I moved away from the local meeting, the meeting leader quit and I didn't like the new one, I was working full time and going to college, I had kids to take care of, I realized I was sensitive to artificial sweeteners and they caused me to have joint pain, I had a sleep disorder.  Boy could I rationalize that weight gain. Of course I dieted.  Of course I started exercise programs. I felt good as I lost weight, I felt bad when I gained. Over and over and over.

I also became depressed and started taking an antidepressant, which caused me to gain 30 pounds in six months. I weighed 10 pounds more than I did on the day I gave birth to both my daughters.

One day I complained about the medication making me gain weight.  My young daughter heard me and asked, "Mommy, why are you taking the medicine?"

I told her "For depression".

She replied, "But doesn't it make you more depressed that it made you fat?"

Well yes, child, thank you for the insight! It also made me fuzzy and unfocused. I was 40 years old and in the worst shape of my life, physically and emotionally. I needed to do something. So I went off the medication and tried natural therapies, exercise, healthier foods, counseling and prayer.   I tried Weight Watchers again but the new plan just didn't help me lose. Even if I was totally faithful to the plan I would struggle to lose just a few pounds. I pulled myself out of the depression but lost only 10 pounds of the weight I had gained because of the antidepressant.  For the next five years I felt bad about myself, I started and failed at diets, and started and quit exercise programs.  I felt good as I lost weight, bad as I gained. Over and over and over.

When I turned 45 I had a break through.  I decided I wanted to be healthier so I joined Balance Life, a circuit gym a few blocks from my house at the time.  I visited it at least four times per week, sometimes five, and worked out for 30-45 minutes per day.  I drank lots of water.  I ate healthier foods and kept a food journal.  I often walked there to get some added exercise in.  I loved feeling better,  younger, more vibrant.  I also loved losing 30 pounds in six months and looking better, younger and more vibrant.

But then I had a hysterectomy and had to stop exercising for six weeks.  Six weeks in the middle of winter.  Six weeks of not working, not working out, not eating well.  Six weeks of gaining weight.  But after six weeks I went back and took off a few of the pounds I gained while I was convalescing, but not all.

Then my husband of 24 years left me -- for a younger, much, much thinner woman.  I didn't care to eat. My stomach hurt too much to eat. When I did eat I ate just a few bites because the food had no taste. Besides not eating I walked all the time. All the time. Instead of curling up in a ball and crying about my loss, I walked. I walked and walked and walked.

I quickly lost the weight I had gained after my hysterectomy plus a little bit more.  I was not only thinner, I also had better muscle tone than I had since my 20's, thanks to working out and walking so much. Even when I watched television I exercised -- walking, dancing and jumping around in place during the commercials.

Me at 47 years old, soon after I met my current husband,
feeling fit and comfortable in my own skin, if not "thin". All the charts still had me in the "obese" range.

I considered myself in the best shape of my life.  Ironically I weighed about what I weighed after I gave birth to my daughters, right before I started Weight Watchers almost 20 years earlier.  I was still 10 pounds above what the experts considered my healthy range.  I was till wearing a size 14.  But I felt beautiful. People told me I glowed. Men, young and old, showed me attention.

Then I started dating my current husband and when we married just seven months later my life changed drastically.  I moved out of town into the country, I had much less time of my own to exercise, my diet changed because my new family ate much differently than I did and it was too difficult to make meals for them and myself, my new schedule didn't allow for regular exercise, it was more difficult to walk in the country than it was in town. Balance Life closed. My good habits didn't just slip away, they fell away with a huge clunk and I began gaining weight.

The summer after we married, about 5 pounds heavier than
when we married, and feeling so bad about gaining weight

In the last 7 1/2 years since we married I have slowly gained and lost, gained and lost, and gained within a range of 25-30 pounds. In other words, at this moment I weigh 18 pounds more than what I weighed on my first date with my husband, while two summers ago I weighed almost 10 pounds less than now, and the winter before about what I weigh now, etc.  Up and down, up and down, depending on the seasons, depending on how healthy I am eating, depending on what exercise I'm getting.

I lost 12 pounds for my daughter's wedding but I was still
20 pounds above a "healthy weight"

I gained some of it back later that summer, but was still 30 pounds
less than my all time high

So after all these years of watching my weight go up and down I still know, when I weigh less I feel better about myself and I'm more likely to get out of the house and spend time with friends. I realize I weigh less and feel better because I'm exercising more and I'm eating more better foods. When I weigh more I tend to want to stay at home. I understand that I weigh more because I'm not as active and I'm not making good food choices.  I know the the cause and affect yet it's difficult for me to get out of the cycle and back on track to better health.  I'm so tired of the cycle of ups and downs, feeling good and feeling bad, starting over to have my good habits fade away, that I honestly feel sick to my stomach when I think about "starting over" with logging and counting everything and calorie I eat and starting another exercise program. I've done it so many times. Also, I realize I now need to eat even less and exercise even more to lose weight than I did in my 20's and 30's, and that's terribly discouraging.

Me, on the left, at 52 1/2, feeling bloated and overly plump
next to my sisters, about 12 pounds from my all time high weight.

But I'm sorry, the "If you are tired of starting over, then don't quit" adage that the constantly-fit people have plastered on their Facebook pages and Pinterest boards make me want to hit someone.  I don't quit consciously; I quit, or let my good habits slip away, because of real life circumstances that keep me from moving in the direction I want to go.  I really, truly try to keep motivated and moving.  However, sometimes it's just too difficult to plan every meal and every movement that will make me healthier, to write down everything I eat, to plan every meal, to schedule time to workout every day -- and that's what it takes to keep me fit, I have learned. Sometimes the stress of trying to fit it all in is too overwhelming and too confining, and I can't keep it up. And to be perfectly honest I don't really enjoy most exercise and I really, really love food.

Me just 10 pounds under my highest weight ever, not how I wanted to look at Alyssa's wedding last summer.

We all have priorities and I guess getting sleep, time with family and friends, earning a living and maintaining an appropriately clean and organized home, and enjoying good tasting food is more important to me that being thin. However, I know that being thinner and healthier will make all the above easier and more fulfilling. Having better health will have a positive impact on all areas of my life, yet I simply can't keep up, on a regular basis, the habits I need to stay healthier. Can you tell I'm conflicted?

Me last fall, feeling really bloated and plump.

Anyway, I know there are many women like me who struggle as I struggle, and there are many women who are unlike me and staying fit and trim comes easy to them or they enjoy it. They love to exercise, I don't. They don't mind the sacrifice, I do. I wonder, do they never have self-esteem issues? Does staying fit and trim mean they constantly feel good about themselves? Are they generally happier with themselves and their lives? Does being fit and trim make everything else in their lives that much easier and fulfilling for them?

Reading back on what I've just written I notice I started out writing about being "thin" and I've ended writing about being "fit" and healthy. I know I'm never going to be as thin as I was when I was 14, or 22, but I also know I can be a reasonably fit, healthy 55 year old if I create some healthy balance in my life, and that's what I need to strive for -- healthy, good tasting foods and enjoyable physical activity as much as possible. I know by now I'm not going to stick to a weight loss plan that requires me to go overboard by cutting calories and eliminating foods, writing down everything I eat and scheduling a specific amount of exercise every day.  I'm just not going to do it.  I know that by now.  I also know my weight does not define who I am, at least in my eyes. I've got to be happy with who I am, inside and out.

Me at 14 years old, when I thought I was fat.
I wish I could go back and tell myself to enjoy myself
and appreciate how I felt and looked.

           
So a month ago, on January 2, I decided, "It's time". I'm going to be 55 in May and I don't want to feel and look like this on my birthday. I signed up for the online Weight Watcher program. I've been faithful to the program for a month and I have easily lost 11 pounds. The ap is easy to use, the food I am eating satisfies me.

Then this week I decided to fall back to a lifestyle program that I learned 35 years ago and have fallen back to many times.  Yoga. I have decided to practice it religiously, daily, for 6 months.  Already I am feeling lighter, more relaxed, more flexible, more poised and stronger. I've also noticed my thoughts and focus have changed.  I'm not letting social media posts bother me so much. I'm not reacting to negative things in such a negative way. My outlook is brighter.

I'll keep you updated and I invite you to join me in my journey!

Leaning Into the Christmas Season

I miss Christmas. And church too. I realized this yesterday when I Googled images of Advent wreathes for the seminary's Advent service bulletin I was asked to design. As soon as I saw photos of Advent candles, with twinkling lights and religious icons in the darkened backgrounds, I had a very distinct and comforting memory of sitting in a pew at Resurrection Lutheran Church, quietly waiting with anticipation as someone from the congregation lit the first Advent candle with a long-stemmed, brass lighter, thin curls of gray smoke spiraling up, up toward the high ceiling. It seemed like the whole congregation held their breath until the candle actually lit--and stayed lit. An advent hymn played softly on the organ and our pastor read a scripture in his deep voice. I remember thinking, "Just four weeks until Christmas!"  It was a quiet calm before the most exciting day of the year, one that would be filled with cookies and candy, gifts and torn wrapping paper, bright-colored Christmas lights and loud carols, family all laughing and talking over each other.

Each Sunday of Advent was like that, anticipation growing stronger as Christmas was another week closer. Christmas Eve was the most special, the most exciting--yet comforting--most magical service, when the larger, white center candle was finally lit.  The Christmas Eve candlelight service, when children wore angels' gowns and halos, with the scent of burning wax filling our heads, flickering flames reflected in the huge stained glass window, a duet of organ and piano music keeping tempo as the congregation sang the first verse and chorus of the most familiar Christmas hymns. I followed the bulletin closely to see how close we were to finishing, because as soon as the service was over we would hurry home to open a few family presents, before going to bed and lying wide awake, wondering what we would find under the Christmas tree the next morning.

Today I'm obsessing about those Advent wreathes and candles, the smell of evergreen, candle wax, and smoke, when the flaming wicks were put out with that bell-shaped candle snuffer at the end of the service. I don't know if I knew back then the significance of the Advent wreath and candles. If I did, I have forgotten. But yesterday, when the images of those candles ignited my longing for both Christmas and church, I Googled the meaning:

From Wikipedia:

"Advent wreaths are circular, representing God's infinite love and are usually made of evergreen leaves, which "represent the hope of eternal life brought by Jesus Christ". Within the Advent wreath are candles that generally represent the four weeks of the Advent season as well as "the light of God coming into the world through the birth of Jesus Christ" although each of the candles has its own significance as well; individually, the candles specifically symbolize the Christian concepts of hope (week one), peace (week two), joy (week three) and love (week four) in many traditions. Many Advent wreaths also have a white candle in the centre to symbolize the arrival of Christmastide, sometimes known as the "Christ candle." It is lit on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day."

After reading this I was reminded of why I don't like Christmas anymore. The holiday has morphed into something so big, so ugly, so busy, so hectic, so removed from Advent and what the Advent wreath and candles symbolize.

The season has become a two-month long hectic marathon, completely overrun with big sales, shopping trips, present wrapping, work parties, home decorating, and school programs. Parents have become completely stressed out thinking they have to buy everything on their kids' lists for Santa.  It's become rush, rush, rush, buy, buy, buy, followed by the fear of disappointing the ones we love.

Maybe it was that way back then. Maybe my parents were doing all that running and stressing, spending two months trying to create a perfect Christmas for us girls.  But I doubt it. I think the countdown to Christmas started closer to December 1st, the week the first advent candle, the candle of hope, was lit.

I miss the Christmas I used to know, a calmer, shorter, holiday season filled with candle flames, evergreen boughs, and "Silent Night" sung on a dark, snowy night, with time to rest and focus on what really matters. I'm thinking I can have that kind of Christmas again, and I can share it with others who miss it too. All we need to do is "lean into the Light" a bit, take some time away from the hustle and bustle, find a space where we can focus on the concept of hope, peace, joy and love, and guard ourselves from getting too caught up in the frenzied, commercial Christmas hype. Even if you  decide to "do it all" or "do it big", because you enjoy that and love the Christmas hoopla, I hope you chose to take a few moments to sit in a quiet place, light a candle, and meditate on the true meaning of the season.