Toilet Paper & Divorce

A single roll of toilet paper will forever represent my failed marriage.

We surprised each other and ourselves by how easily we divided our belongings and agreed on what he should take with him when he left the family to set up his new household. A few days before he moved, we went through the kitchen cabinets to divide our dishes, cookware, utensils and storage containers.  I pulled things out one by one and said things like, "Your aunt gave these snack plates to me as a wedding shower gift, but you should take them, since they were from your family and you are more likely to use them, being on your own, and all." Or, "You gave that cookware set to me for our 23rd anniversary, so I think I should keep it -- all the pieces -- since it was a gift", and he agreed. Or, "This is a box of extra pieces of silverware we received as a wedding gift.  We haven't used them much so you might as well have them, instead of buying new ones."  My eyes swelled with tears and my voice caught in my throat, as I handed the box to him.

And I told him he should take the big screen TV because he was the one who wanted to buy it so badly and he paid dearly for it. I also told him to take the living room sofa, chair and ottoman since he liked them so much (and slept on them so well) -- and he didn't mind they hadn't been cleaned in seven years.  I never thought they were very comfortable, and if one of us had to buy new ones I really didn't mind doing so (especially if he was going to help me pay for them).

Even on the day he moved, as he packed the moving truck and asked if he could take things, we discussed each item and made the decision together, calmly and adult like -- until I walked into the bathroom. When I saw the box filled with his toiletries, along with two rolls of toilet paper, I almost came unglued.  I looked in the cabinet where I stored the extra TP and saw -- GASP-- just two rolls left!  In the whole time we had been married, I don't think I had ever allowed us to get down to just two rolls of toilet paper.  

As he walked past me to get something else out of the closet I said in disbelief, "You are taking my toilet paper?"

He stopped in his tracks and looked at me with wide eyes -- married women know the look -- and replied meekly, "I don't have any at the new apartment”.

"You are going to live right across the street from a giant grocery store that sells thousands of rolls of toilet paper cheaper than I can buy it here in town, and you are going to take myyyyyy toilet paper?", I exclaimed with frustration in my voice and my hand on my hip (married men know the pose). "It's bad enough that you…“  I bit my tongue then continued, “you aren't going to inconvenience me like that!"

He replied, now rolling his eyes and shaking his head, "I just thought one roll would be okay."

"One roll?"  I gasped, now with both hands on my hips and my foot tapping. "There are two rolls in the box!  You said one roll, but there are two rolls, don't you see?", I said, then pointed to the box.

He looked at me in disbelief and said, "Okay, I'll take just one roll!  I can't believe you would argue with me over a roll of toilet paper! Okay, I'll take one roll!"

"Okay", I said, and quickly walked away, trying not to look at the other boxes he had packed.

A little while later I heard him tell our daughter and her boyfriend I argued with him about a roll of toilet paper, that it was just like me to argue over something stupid like that. Then he shut the door on the back of the moving truck, jumped into the driver‘s seat and adjusted the rear view mirror, although I noticed he didn‘t look into it as he drove off.

Later that day, a friend stopped by to see how I was doing and I calmly told her how the only thing we argued over was one roll of toilet paper.  We talked about it, we laughed and she comforted me.

The next morning, when I opened the back door to step out onto the deck, there was a gift bag sitting next to the door. I removed the card, opened it and read,

"I just wanted to give you a little "pick-me-up" as well as a little "security".  Keep it in a safe place so you'll never run out.  May it also be a reminder that you have MANY people who will be there for you in times of need.  It may be difficult, but all you have to do is pick up the phone and call!" It was signed by my dear friend.

Inside the bag was a double roll of toilet paper, one of the most meaningful gifts I've ever received.  The next time I see my friend I will have to tell her I have already used the toilet paper and I am not as worried about running out as I used to be.