That Other Woman

Recently I have been wondering what they call that gap, that space that lies between the person that we are and the person we aspire to be.  I'm sure psychologists have a name for it but I don't know it yet.  I wonder too what they call the difference between how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us. My daughter Sara said she learned about this topic in one of her psychology classes and she remembered those gaps relate somehow to depression, which I wasn't surprised to hear. It is funny how we can comprehend things or believe in things even when we don't know the proper names for them or understand the theories behind them.

Sometimes I feel that space between who I want to be and who I am is really small, just a tiny margin, but sometimes I am reminded the gap is huge and the woman I aspire to be is just a blurry mirage somewhere in the distance. The larger the gap the more I beat myself up for not doing what I feel I should be doing in order to become the woman I want to be: not walking enough, cooking more, spending enough time with the kids, saving enough money, doing more for others, being more patient, being more "successful" in my career, painting more, cleaning more, being more adventurous, traveling more -- and I never coupon, Zumba, knit, compost, garden, bake my own bread, run a 5k, etc., etc.  You know, all those things the other women on facebook do.

Some mornings I wake up and take stock of reality, or someone -- a friend, a co-worker, a spouse -- points out something that makes me realize my self-perception doesn't quite match the reality of my actions, and the width of that space is undeniable. It's difficult to realize that you are not what you thought you were, or that space between what you aspire to be and what you are is growing by leaps and bounds.  That is disillusionment.  We have an illusion of ourselves or life in general then realize what we believed isn't true. I think I understand why that would cause depression.

I know all too well you can't just hope to reach a goal, you have to do something to reach the goal -- you have to make a choice to move forward and make an effort to get there. But I am continually reminded that sometimes no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we plan, no matter how much we want it, sometimes things that are out of our control impact the outcome of our efforts.  We simply can't control everything and everyone around us.  We make choices, we make plans, we make a strong effort, but things happen or other people do things that we didn't anticipate. Sometimes our timing is off, or the universe's timing is off, or that greater force--or God--has other plans, and there is another delay in reaching our goal.

That delay often gets me anxious and frustrated. It makes me feel like I didn't try hard enough or I didn't want it bad enough.  It makes me feel like I failed...again.

Often, though, I am reminded that it's not reaching that long sought after goal or set of goals that brings me true happiness.  Really it's all the big and little surprises, the unexpected joys and sorrows, the obstacles and challenges--all the things I didn't plan and anticipate--that make life worth living.

When I least expect it, when I didn't have plans for it, a special person, or several special people, come into my life and give me a new purpose, one I never imagine existed before.  My priorities change. My plans change.  The outcome of all my efforts change and I feel a huge shift in how I feel about myself and my vision for my future. At first, and every once in a while, that shift feels really uncomfortable and I don't know how to deal with it; but, as it feels more comfortable (or maybe I am more accepting of the discomfort), more natural, I realize perhaps that woman I thought I should be, or I was trying to be, isn't at all the woman I am meant to be.