Losing my Religion

"Do you believe in God?” my nine year old step-daughter asked me out of the blue the other day.

Her question startled me because I was deep in thought at the moment -- also I just happened to be thinking about my beliefs about God and religion. I wondered if she could read my mind or if I had spoken my thoughts out loud. I looked at her suspiciously and replied in a hesitant tone, "Why do you ask?"

"Well do you know anyone who doesn't believe in God?" She was sitting at the kitchen table coloring.

"Sure, I know some people who don't," was my matter of fact answer.

"Really? Who?"

"Well, religion is a very personal thing so I won't say. I feel we should respect other people's privacy when it comes to personal choices like that."

"Oh, Ok. Hey, I think these markers are old because they don't work very well. You got me these when we first met, didn't you? They must have dried up."

Her train of thought had moved on, while my mind was derailed for the moment, stuck on this topic of religion, God and Laura knowing my thoughts - a jumbled mass of questions and ideas swirled in my head as I stood washing dishes. I don't know if I read or heard something which sparked my thought process (maybe Laura read or heard the same thing) or what, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. So, since writing helps me process my thoughts and get them out of my head to make room for other things, I figured I should write my next blog post about what I was thinking. I hope I don't offend anyone with what I write. Like I said, I feel religion is a very personal thing and all people are entitled to their opinions about it.

I realize now I never answered my daughter, but yes, I believe in God. Well I believe in some form of God. Maybe that's not quite the right way of stating that. I believe that there is some kind of energy that connects us all, connects everything in the Universe, something that is greater than we are, that flows through us, surrounds us, inspires us, impacts us, is impacted by our actions. Is this God a great, omnipotent being in the sky, or in heaven, looking down at us and controlling us, making plans for us, and judging us? No, I don't think so. Well maybe sometimes I think so. It's what I'm supposed to believe, right? That's what I learned in Bible School, Sunday School, Catechism, adult Bible study, church, etc., from the Lutherans, the United Church of Christ, the Quakers and from many of the books I've read about the subject. Oh heck, I don't know. Sometimes I put a "face" to this energy and call it Mother Nature. Sometimes I call it God. Sometimes I just call it "That Greater Force". Sometimes I don't call it anything because I don't think I need to label it or figure out what it really is - it's there, or not there, whether or not I believe in it or label it.

Yet I consider myself a person of faith, very spiritual, and yes, I even consider myself a Christian. Well not always. Oh I don't know. I do believe Jesus lived and spoke his beautifully simple words full of love and forgiveness, I believe he died for our sins, and I try to follow His words. But then I see how many people who say they are Christians don't really follow Christ's words and I get confused about what Christianity is, or isn't. I get turned off by it all. Also I see many non-Christians acting more like Jesus than many Christians do, then I wonder if all my questioning means I'm not really a Christian or my faith isn't strong enough.

I do know that I'm not the kind of Christian my former friend is. Lisa, who was vain, self-centered and promiscuous as a teen, and who committed adultery several times as an adult, became a German Baptist about 10 years ago because she needed very strict religion-based rules to keep her from making more bad decisions. Those are her words. Now she feels everyone else should follow those same very strict rules, or God's Law, as she puts it, "or else".

Shortly after my divorce Lisa came to my house to comfort me, but instead spent the whole evening sitting in my dining room telling me that my lifestyle was wrong and against God's Law. A women is not supposed to work outside the home, she is not supposed to wear revealing clothing (meaning slacks and tops which don't hide her shape), she should keep her hair covered at all times and wear no make up, and she should follow the Bible strictly, especially the New Testament books. I listened politely, nodded when appropriate, and then hugged her goodbye, as she said "God Bless You"(as I said "What a nut" in my head). I was very surprised when she knocked on my door 10 minutes later and said to me, with great concern on her face, "I got as far as the corner when God told me to come back to tell you something. He was very disturbed to know you intend to date and possibly remarry someday. If you do you will be committing adultery because Paul said a woman shall not marry again, although a man can. I felt compelled to tell you that because I want to see you in heaven someday."

I coolly thanked her, closed the door, and said "What a nut!", out loud this time. A few weeks later I received a note from her with the same message. She wasn't going to see me in heaven if I remarried someday. I ignored the note but when I married Craig, about a year later, I wrote a brief letter to Lisa to let her know I had remarried and moved to a new address. I also added "This marriage means two people who know the pain of great loss and loneliness will now have a loving, committed partner in life. It also means a young child who so desperately wants and needs a mother will now have one. But if your God considers this loving, committed and honest union, this new family, to be a sin, then I don't want anything to do with that kind of God."

I know I've lost a friend. I'm not sure if I've lost my religion, or if I am just in one of those questioning phases, but God didn't strike me dead, at least. What I do know is this:

I feel closer to "God" on my morning walks than sitting in a church. I can understand why others might want a church, big or small, and the fellowship of a congregation, and a preacher leading them in service, but I prefer my own mode of worship, with the music of nature to inspire me, and appreciate it when others don’t try to force me into theirs. For me, organized religion is too political, and that political energy creates a barrier between me and that “higher power”.

The words "God Bless You", unless it's in response to a sneeze, irritates me to no end, but if you think you have a right to tell God who and what to bless, the more power to you.

Although I have judged Lisa and figure she's a nut, I really have no right to judge others, as others have no right to judge me, or at least tell me what God has planned for me. God will be the final judge in the end. However, it seems like many Christians I know are also the most judgmental people I know. Not all, but many.

It’s difficult for me to blindly follow, literally, the words in a book that was written by many men, in bits and pieces, thousands of years ago, gathered over centuries from many conflicting sources, compiled, translated, revised, taken out of context, translated and revised again, and used for political gain. Ever hear of the game “Telephone”? Helloooo? Think about a game of Telephone that spans 2000+ years, several languages, several cultures, historical context we have no capacity to comprehend, political and religious turmoil, and the ego of man. And we are supposed to base our lives on this?

So what do these thoughts I'm having say about my faith? Have I lost my religion? Do others have these same questions? Who is to judge?