In case you are too young to understand the reference in my title, it's a spin on the old country song, "Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys" which warns mothers of letting their boys grow up to be tough, stubborn, lonely cowboys who like smoky pool rooms, old trucks and guitars. Through the years I have noticed it seems that many well-meaning moms have taken this song to heart and have instead pampered the dickens out of their little cowboys and cowgirls and have let them grow up to be, well, babies.
We all look at our new babies, girls and boys, those beautiful little faces, those miniature helpless bodies, and we vow to love and protect them, hug them and hold them, as long as they'll let us. We want them to feel safe, secure and loved so we show them our love and protection through our acts of service, gifts and affection. Because we love them so much we want to make life easier and more comfortable for them. We don't want them to feel physical pain and emotional hurt and we don't want them to suffer. We don't want them to do without the things they desire. As they grow we continue to see the faces of our sweet babies - in their toddler, child, teenager and young adult faces - and we continue to shower them with our acts of motherly love.
But sometimes we go overboard and continue to give and do, even when they can get and do on their own. Instead of protecting and loving them we coddle them. We do everything for them, we give everything to them, we protect them from everything. We cook, clean, pick up after them, run them around town, indulge their every whim, buy or give them everything they want, need and ask for.
And guess what? Most kids who are coddled grow up to be adults who expect to be coddled. They are often spoiled, lazy, self-centered and rude. They make bad roommates, spouses, coworkers and adult children. They don't know how to take care of themselves, let alone another person, or cook, clean, find jobs, or pay their bills. They don't know how to take responsibility for their own actions and they don't know how to do for others. They expect the world to be handed to them instead of working for it...because that's all they know.
In my experience as a parent, step-parent and college academic/career advisor I have seen evidence that parents who provide the opportunities for their children to learn how to take care of themselves, to struggle a bit, to get frustrated, to work hard, to feel loss, etc., create the most well-adjusted, responsible and productive young adults. On the other hand, those who attempt to make life less difficult for their kids actually make life more difficult for them, and themselves, in the long run. While we are doing everything for them, giving them everything, we aren't letting them learn how to do it themselves. Then when they can't do it for themselves we have to continue to do it for them. We basically disable them with our misguided love.
Don't get me wrong, everyone deserves a little pampering or a reward every once in a while, but when we constantly pamper our kids, or constantly over reward them, we teach them to expect that kind of life without working for it. Unfortunately what they get from us has little meaning to them because they get it all the time, or too easily, without any effort on their part.
Kids need to learn to take care of themselves and not to expect others to take care of their every want, and they need to learn the skills it takes to fulfill their own needs. They need to know what it feels like to struggle and sacrifice something in order to obtain something they want. They need to learn how to solve problems on their own and pull themselves out of a hole. They need the room to make mistakes, feel the consequences of their mistakes, and figure out how to correct what ever it is they did wrong. That's how they learn and grow to be responsible adults. I think we, as parents, do them a disservice when we try to make life too easy for them or when we try to protect them from pain -- pain of not having, pain of losing something, pain of trying hard but still not getting it.
We should always give our babies, then children, then teens, then young adults what they need, but not everything they want. They need love, they need security, they need shelter and food, they need access to an academic and social education, etc. At different ages and stages of development they will need different things from us and the larger world. As they grow their ability to meet those needs on their own should gradually develop and our response to their needs should diminish. As responsible parents we should learn what they are capable of doing on their own at a given age and adjust what we give and do for them appropriately. We should also teach them the difference between their wants and needs and who is responsible for meeting both at different stages of their lives.
Our children will always need our love. We can best show our love by allowing them to grow up to be independent, responsible, productive adults, and we can only do that if we quit treating them like babies. Believe me, their partners will thank you someday.
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