Seeing "Me Time" From a Different Perspective

I had a difficult time bouncing back from the brutal winter. Job stress also wore me thin. No, actually it wore me thick, unfortunately.  Inactivity and stress-induced eating caused me to gain weight and I have felt awful. Although warmer weather and a less stressful summer work schedule have kicked in, I've still had difficulty getting inspired to do anything other than eat, browse Pinterest and Facebook, take long baths, read fiction, flip through magazines, and watch the History channel. I've not been depressed or even in a funk, just uninspired and unmoved.

I think back to how good I felt and looked just over five years ago, when I was walking and working out every day, eating healthy foods, going on adventures with friends, doing design work, blogging and looking forward to personal and family projects. People told me I looked 10 years younger than I was; now I feel like I have aged 10 years in the last five.

Here is a photo of me on my last trip with my travel buddy Marcie, in January 2009, ready to turn 47. I was newly divorced and out of work at the time, but positive, hopeful, happy and very active -- and 25 pounds lighter.

I have tried my old standbys -- think positive, get outside, read inspirational books, do Yoga, create something -- but all my efforts have failed, especially when it comes to getting regular activity, eating healthier, and getting some of this weight off. But also I've not been inspired to make improvements in the house or yard, create artwork, spend time with friends, go out to listen to music, attend events in the community: things that need to be done and things that usually "feed my soul".
 
I've been telling my husband what I really need to get me out of this rut and back on track is to go away to a spa resort for a week or two. One where I eat only healthy food (that's made for me or where I cook it in an amazing kitchen), take long walks and go hiking/biking/kayaking or horseback riding among beautiful scenery (an ocean, red rocks, mountains), do Yoga (by the water of course), have massages (on the beach or in a beautifully equipped spa room) and paint or write or do something else creative. He laughs as if I'm teasing him -- but I'm serious. I have desperately needed to do something to pull me up and out of my lethargy and that sounds like the perfect cure to me. 

That's not going to happen any time soon (or in the future).  It's too expensive and I don't have that much vacation time. It also seems pretentious -- "That's for rich people and we're not rich people", Craig would say (did say, actually).

"But I need to do something", I told him.  "If you want me to continue to be the woman you fell in love with, I have to do the things I was doing five years ago that made me that woman."

So, after several delays for various reasons in and out of my control, I took a trip to Florida to visit an old friend who is also my favorite travel buddy.  Marcie and I haven't traveled together for over five years, and we've visited briefly only a few times in the last several years, so the visit with her (and her partner who I like to call our Cabana Boy) was way over due.

At first I felt guilty about spending the money and taking time away from my husband and pre-teen daughter, but then I remembered they were able to go on a spring break trip without me when I couldn't get away from my job during the busy college visit season. Also I felt like I deserved it because I had been working so hard at home and the office and had saved some of the money I earned working overtime.  Also, I don't spend a lot of money on "entertainment" -- or anything else for that matter.  I'm pretty frugal and practical with my spending.

I took the trip and it was amazing.  Maybe it's the healing qualities of the sea water, maybe it's the sunshine, maybe its the healthy food, maybe it's spending time with an old friend, maybe it's facing a personal fear and challenging myself (more about that later), maybe it's the change of scenery...maybe it's all of that combined.  Who knows for sure what helped me but I feel like a renewed, inspired person.  I plan to write about the trip in more detail in future blogs, but I can say now it was totally worth the time and money.

Here is a humorous picture of me on my recent trip, feeling quite frumpy and lumpy on the beach. My size horrifies me but not because of how it looks as much as how it feels and keeps me from doing things I love.  Marcie assures me I look like the 50 foot woman only because of the perspective and angle of the shot. I know better, however. This is not how I want to look and feel on a beach or at home in Indiana. This photo and my trip have inspired me to make changes.

Why do women have to rationalize spending money and time on themselves? Why do we feel guilty about taking care of ourselves and doing something just for us? When I ponder these questions I'm lead in many directions and I realize I have so much more to write about in the near future: general topics such as self-care, working mothers, saving for vacations, work/life balance, friendship, creating, living a purposeful life; but also more personal topics such as what I did on my trip, how it inspired me in many ways, how I faced a major fear (and survived), and how I'm making personal life-changes.