Seeing "Me Time" From a Different Perspective

I had a difficult time bouncing back from the brutal winter. Job stress also wore me thin. No, actually it wore me thick, unfortunately.  Inactivity and stress-induced eating caused me to gain weight and I have felt awful. Although warmer weather and a less stressful summer work schedule have kicked in, I've still had difficulty getting inspired to do anything other than eat, browse Pinterest and Facebook, take long baths, read fiction, flip through magazines, and watch the History channel. I've not been depressed or even in a funk, just uninspired and unmoved.

I think back to how good I felt and looked just over five years ago, when I was walking and working out every day, eating healthy foods, going on adventures with friends, doing design work, blogging and looking forward to personal and family projects. People told me I looked 10 years younger than I was; now I feel like I have aged 10 years in the last five.

Here is a photo of me on my last trip with my travel buddy Marcie, in January 2009, ready to turn 47. I was newly divorced and out of work at the time, but positive, hopeful, happy and very active -- and 25 pounds lighter.

I have tried my old standbys -- think positive, get outside, read inspirational books, do Yoga, create something -- but all my efforts have failed, especially when it comes to getting regular activity, eating healthier, and getting some of this weight off. But also I've not been inspired to make improvements in the house or yard, create artwork, spend time with friends, go out to listen to music, attend events in the community: things that need to be done and things that usually "feed my soul".
 
I've been telling my husband what I really need to get me out of this rut and back on track is to go away to a spa resort for a week or two. One where I eat only healthy food (that's made for me or where I cook it in an amazing kitchen), take long walks and go hiking/biking/kayaking or horseback riding among beautiful scenery (an ocean, red rocks, mountains), do Yoga (by the water of course), have massages (on the beach or in a beautifully equipped spa room) and paint or write or do something else creative. He laughs as if I'm teasing him -- but I'm serious. I have desperately needed to do something to pull me up and out of my lethargy and that sounds like the perfect cure to me. 

That's not going to happen any time soon (or in the future).  It's too expensive and I don't have that much vacation time. It also seems pretentious -- "That's for rich people and we're not rich people", Craig would say (did say, actually).

"But I need to do something", I told him.  "If you want me to continue to be the woman you fell in love with, I have to do the things I was doing five years ago that made me that woman."

So, after several delays for various reasons in and out of my control, I took a trip to Florida to visit an old friend who is also my favorite travel buddy.  Marcie and I haven't traveled together for over five years, and we've visited briefly only a few times in the last several years, so the visit with her (and her partner who I like to call our Cabana Boy) was way over due.

At first I felt guilty about spending the money and taking time away from my husband and pre-teen daughter, but then I remembered they were able to go on a spring break trip without me when I couldn't get away from my job during the busy college visit season. Also I felt like I deserved it because I had been working so hard at home and the office and had saved some of the money I earned working overtime.  Also, I don't spend a lot of money on "entertainment" -- or anything else for that matter.  I'm pretty frugal and practical with my spending.

I took the trip and it was amazing.  Maybe it's the healing qualities of the sea water, maybe it's the sunshine, maybe its the healthy food, maybe it's spending time with an old friend, maybe it's facing a personal fear and challenging myself (more about that later), maybe it's the change of scenery...maybe it's all of that combined.  Who knows for sure what helped me but I feel like a renewed, inspired person.  I plan to write about the trip in more detail in future blogs, but I can say now it was totally worth the time and money.

Here is a humorous picture of me on my recent trip, feeling quite frumpy and lumpy on the beach. My size horrifies me but not because of how it looks as much as how it feels and keeps me from doing things I love.  Marcie assures me I look like the 50 foot woman only because of the perspective and angle of the shot. I know better, however. This is not how I want to look and feel on a beach or at home in Indiana. This photo and my trip have inspired me to make changes.

Why do women have to rationalize spending money and time on themselves? Why do we feel guilty about taking care of ourselves and doing something just for us? When I ponder these questions I'm lead in many directions and I realize I have so much more to write about in the near future: general topics such as self-care, working mothers, saving for vacations, work/life balance, friendship, creating, living a purposeful life; but also more personal topics such as what I did on my trip, how it inspired me in many ways, how I faced a major fear (and survived), and how I'm making personal life-changes. 

The places I have been, oh the places I will go...

As I approach the big 5-0 I can't help but take stock of where I have been and what I have done in my life so far. I also can't help think about what I want to do in the next several years as I anticipate retirement. It still seems really strange for me to be thinking of that word - retirement - and realize I really only have about 15 more good years to work and accomplish my career goals.

Also I have a daughter in the midst of a job search as she completes her college degree, and a step daughter choosing a major and considering career choices while she completes her high school education. In the meantime my husband is talking about retiring in 4 or 5 years. All this talk about careers, jobs and retirement has gotten me more than a little anxious about my own career goals, or lack of.

Looking back and looking forward I realize I am further from my career goals than I was 10 years ago. At age 40 I was a professional and an expert in my field of Career Development. It’s one of the only times in my life I felt like I was an expert at something. I loved my job, I loved my workplace, I loved the people I worked with. I was a natural. I thought it would be my forever career, my Vocation. But things don’t always work out, no matter how much you love something or how hard you try to keep it in your life, no matter how much it seems like the perfect fit. So that leaves me at age 50 in a part-time job, making half of what I made at age 40, in a field that is still pretty new to me. I love my work and the people I work with but I worry about the future, the day my husband retires and I become the main bread winner, especially since I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up!

But that’s a topic for another day. Right now my thoughts are about all the experiences I have had in the many, many jobs I’ve held. I wonder if there are other women my age who have held so many. Some were seasonal or temporary but they offered me lots of experience in learning how to adapt to new work environments and co-workers. I also gained a general knowledge about a lot of different fields, which makes me really good at playing trivia!

 Here's my long, long list:

• Babysitter - age 11-21 (Craig is shocked I was left alone with babies at such a young age)
• Strawberry Picker - age 14 (this lasted only 2 weeks because I got sun poisoning. I couldn't eat strawberries for years)
• Concession Stand “Manager” at the Splash Club in Hagerstown - age 17 (I had a really deep tan on the front of me but my back was snow white)
• Painted lettering on McCoy’s Refuse trucks - age 17 (a smelly summer job but I was kept company by local “celebrity“ Bud Deitzer)
• Waited tables - Bob’s Restaurant, Hartley Hills Country Club, Richard’s Restaurant (Richmond & Muncie), Greeks Restaurant - age 18-20 (I have a lot of respect for restaurant workers, but little patience for bad ones)
• Hostess - Richard’s Restaurant, Muncie - age 20 (the only time I ever went to work early in the morning with a buzz from partying the night before)
• Cleaned offices and homes - age 20-21 (a great college job)
• Sales Associate/Display Artist at Pier 1 Imports, Muncie, age 21-22 (I loved working with older women who taught me about life, marriage and divorce - this came in handy later)
• Display Artist at Kline’s Department Store, Goshen - age 22-23 (I learned to use fishing line and to make something out of nothing. Also, the Amish are offended by mannequins wearing underwear)
• Sales Associate at Kline’s Department Store, Warsaw - age 23 (I learned to hate Christmas and the day after Christmas)
• Attendant for Mentally & Physically Handicapped Adults, Cardinal Center, Warsaw - age 24 (after I had a miscarriage and was told by the doctor something was probably wrong with the fetus, I wanted to know if I could handle having a child with challenges. I learned I could and learned to be thankful I don’t have to).
• Office Assistant at Sherwin Williams, Castleton - age 24 (loved the discount on paint and wallpaper)
• Assistant Manager of Famous Footwear in Castleton, age 24-25 (don’t look down if a man wearing a mini skirt sits and asks you to help him put on a size 11 shoe)
• Customer Service at a Boat Accessory Distributor, Richmond - age 25-28 (how many women know what hole shot and spun hub mean...and it has nothing to do with the above experience)
• Office Assistant/PR at Webb’s Antique Mall - age 29-33 (one of the original American Pickers!)
• Secretary of Career Services, Earlham College - age 33-38 (networking, networking, networking)
• Assistant Director of Career Services, Earlham College - age 39-41 (got my BA, got a promotion)
• Director of Career Services, Earlham College - age 42 (the hardest job I ever loved)
• Peace Studies Coordinator, Earlham College - age 43-45 (Peace studies faculty are not always peaceful)
• Graduate Assistant, Peace Studies, Ball State - age 45 (they have no idea what peace studies means)
• Substitute Teacher in Hagerstown- age 45-46 (seniors are great, 8 graders are the Devil’s spawn)
• Administrative Assistant, Nettle Creek Color - age 45 (think twice about working in a small family business)
• Customer Service/Administrative Asst., Manchester Industries (paper slitters) - age 46 (the hardest job I ever hated…the first place I’ve ever worked that it didn’t come natural to me. I loved my coworkers though)
• Temporary Front Desk Coordinator at Earlham Admissions - age 46 (the perfect job for that time in my life)
• Administrative Assistant/PR, Center City Development - age 47-48 (I loved working downtown - I will always have fond memories, especially since I started dating Craig the week I started there)
• Communications/Social Media Specialist, Tourism Bureau - age 48-present (love the work, love the people, love the workplace, don’t love the pay)

I know I’ve done other things in between all these jobs, like fold Exponents, stuff envelopes for my uncle's publishing business, answer phones for my grandfather's printing business, and other odds and ends, but I can‘t remember the specifics. I have learned so much about different types of businesses and fields, but I’m not sure how to apply all that random knowledge to my current life and future career goals. In the last 5 years I have used all the knowledge I gained as a Career Deveopment Professional - doing the job search, networking, writing cover letters and resumes, interviewing, follow up etc. -- yet I sometimes feel I've gone backwards in my career instead of forwards and that doesn't do much for my confidence.  I keep thinking that if I just keep working hard, with integrity, doing the best job I can, no matter where I am, I will be justly rewarded someday. A girl can dream, can’t she?

A follow up note: I wrote this in the spring of 2012.  In the winter of 2012 I was offered the position of  Assistant Director of the Center for Career Education, at Earlham College, to start in mid-January 2013. However, that job offer was rescinded when the college let go of the person who hired me.  I have been in an administrative assistant position in Admissions at Earlham since then.