The places I have been, oh the places I will go...

As I approach the big 5-0 I can't help but take stock of where I have been and what I have done in my life so far. I also can't help think about what I want to do in the next several years as I anticipate retirement. It still seems really strange for me to be thinking of that word - retirement - and realize I really only have about 15 more good years to work and accomplish my career goals.

Also I have a daughter in the midst of a job search as she completes her college degree, and a step daughter choosing a major and considering career choices while she completes her high school education. In the meantime my husband is talking about retiring in 4 or 5 years. All this talk about careers, jobs and retirement has gotten me more than a little anxious about my own career goals, or lack of.

Looking back and looking forward I realize I am further from my career goals than I was 10 years ago. At age 40 I was a professional and an expert in my field of Career Development. It’s one of the only times in my life I felt like I was an expert at something. I loved my job, I loved my workplace, I loved the people I worked with. I was a natural. I thought it would be my forever career, my Vocation. But things don’t always work out, no matter how much you love something or how hard you try to keep it in your life, no matter how much it seems like the perfect fit. So that leaves me at age 50 in a part-time job, making half of what I made at age 40, in a field that is still pretty new to me. I love my work and the people I work with but I worry about the future, the day my husband retires and I become the main bread winner, especially since I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up!

But that’s a topic for another day. Right now my thoughts are about all the experiences I have had in the many, many jobs I’ve held. I wonder if there are other women my age who have held so many. Some were seasonal or temporary but they offered me lots of experience in learning how to adapt to new work environments and co-workers. I also gained a general knowledge about a lot of different fields, which makes me really good at playing trivia!

 Here's my long, long list:

• Babysitter - age 11-21 (Craig is shocked I was left alone with babies at such a young age)
• Strawberry Picker - age 14 (this lasted only 2 weeks because I got sun poisoning. I couldn't eat strawberries for years)
• Concession Stand “Manager” at the Splash Club in Hagerstown - age 17 (I had a really deep tan on the front of me but my back was snow white)
• Painted lettering on McCoy’s Refuse trucks - age 17 (a smelly summer job but I was kept company by local “celebrity“ Bud Deitzer)
• Waited tables - Bob’s Restaurant, Hartley Hills Country Club, Richard’s Restaurant (Richmond & Muncie), Greeks Restaurant - age 18-20 (I have a lot of respect for restaurant workers, but little patience for bad ones)
• Hostess - Richard’s Restaurant, Muncie - age 20 (the only time I ever went to work early in the morning with a buzz from partying the night before)
• Cleaned offices and homes - age 20-21 (a great college job)
• Sales Associate/Display Artist at Pier 1 Imports, Muncie, age 21-22 (I loved working with older women who taught me about life, marriage and divorce - this came in handy later)
• Display Artist at Kline’s Department Store, Goshen - age 22-23 (I learned to use fishing line and to make something out of nothing. Also, the Amish are offended by mannequins wearing underwear)
• Sales Associate at Kline’s Department Store, Warsaw - age 23 (I learned to hate Christmas and the day after Christmas)
• Attendant for Mentally & Physically Handicapped Adults, Cardinal Center, Warsaw - age 24 (after I had a miscarriage and was told by the doctor something was probably wrong with the fetus, I wanted to know if I could handle having a child with challenges. I learned I could and learned to be thankful I don’t have to).
• Office Assistant at Sherwin Williams, Castleton - age 24 (loved the discount on paint and wallpaper)
• Assistant Manager of Famous Footwear in Castleton, age 24-25 (don’t look down if a man wearing a mini skirt sits and asks you to help him put on a size 11 shoe)
• Customer Service at a Boat Accessory Distributor, Richmond - age 25-28 (how many women know what hole shot and spun hub mean...and it has nothing to do with the above experience)
• Office Assistant/PR at Webb’s Antique Mall - age 29-33 (one of the original American Pickers!)
• Secretary of Career Services, Earlham College - age 33-38 (networking, networking, networking)
• Assistant Director of Career Services, Earlham College - age 39-41 (got my BA, got a promotion)
• Director of Career Services, Earlham College - age 42 (the hardest job I ever loved)
• Peace Studies Coordinator, Earlham College - age 43-45 (Peace studies faculty are not always peaceful)
• Graduate Assistant, Peace Studies, Ball State - age 45 (they have no idea what peace studies means)
• Substitute Teacher in Hagerstown- age 45-46 (seniors are great, 8 graders are the Devil’s spawn)
• Administrative Assistant, Nettle Creek Color - age 45 (think twice about working in a small family business)
• Customer Service/Administrative Asst., Manchester Industries (paper slitters) - age 46 (the hardest job I ever hated…the first place I’ve ever worked that it didn’t come natural to me. I loved my coworkers though)
• Temporary Front Desk Coordinator at Earlham Admissions - age 46 (the perfect job for that time in my life)
• Administrative Assistant/PR, Center City Development - age 47-48 (I loved working downtown - I will always have fond memories, especially since I started dating Craig the week I started there)
• Communications/Social Media Specialist, Tourism Bureau - age 48-present (love the work, love the people, love the workplace, don’t love the pay)

I know I’ve done other things in between all these jobs, like fold Exponents, stuff envelopes for my uncle's publishing business, answer phones for my grandfather's printing business, and other odds and ends, but I can‘t remember the specifics. I have learned so much about different types of businesses and fields, but I’m not sure how to apply all that random knowledge to my current life and future career goals. In the last 5 years I have used all the knowledge I gained as a Career Deveopment Professional - doing the job search, networking, writing cover letters and resumes, interviewing, follow up etc. -- yet I sometimes feel I've gone backwards in my career instead of forwards and that doesn't do much for my confidence.  I keep thinking that if I just keep working hard, with integrity, doing the best job I can, no matter where I am, I will be justly rewarded someday. A girl can dream, can’t she?

A follow up note: I wrote this in the spring of 2012.  In the winter of 2012 I was offered the position of  Assistant Director of the Center for Career Education, at Earlham College, to start in mid-January 2013. However, that job offer was rescinded when the college let go of the person who hired me.  I have been in an administrative assistant position in Admissions at Earlham since then.  

When WOW took on a whole new meaning

My friend Mandy recently shared a humorous blog post about the difficulties of parenting and I found I could really relate to the blogger's feelings about her parenting experiences - both negative and positive. One of Mandy's other friends commented on the blog with "Isn't it amazing how just reading that someone else has the same struggles as you makes those struggles just a little bit easier?" Oh how true that is. That's why I have been devouring books about step-parenting and being the wife of a widower in the last two years!

Writing about our experiences also helps us make our struggles just a little bit easier. Journaling and blogging is therapeutic because it helps us pull our anxieties, worries, feelings and confused thoughts out of our heads so we can make space for other things. It helps us process our experiences -- frustrations and joys -- and work through them. It's like a dialogue with ourselves, which is really helpful when we don't have other people to talk to who understand or who we can trust.

Having trusting friends during our life-changing or transitional periods is crucial to our mental well-being. I am fortunate to have many good friends, a great mom and a sister who are good listeners, and caring daughters whom I can trust and who understand, to a point, what it's like to be a divorced woman, a mother to a young child later in life, a step-mom to kids of several ages (child, teenager, young-adult), to live in another woman's home, and to have their own children leave for college and miss them terribly. However, I don't have close friends who are WOWs -- Wives of Widowers as my books tell me -- so I'm kind of alone there and have to depend on books and the internet to get guidance on that part of my life when I'm feeling alone or frustrated.

I often want to blog about my experiences here on Dishman Hill -- as a therapy for myself, to help others understand what life as a WOW is like, and as a resource for other woman who are grasping for supportive stories about others who feel like me -- those who feel they've been dropped out of an airplane into someone else's life, who have been expected to hit the ground running and who are not allowed to stumble. But in a small community where everyone knows everyone I feel like it's an invasion of my family members' privacy to do so with complete candor. I wear my heart on my sleeve for everyone to see but Craig is much more private. He often tells me I should write a book about our romance but that romantic, almost fairy tale-like story, was preceded by and has been followed by a reality that includes many joys, but even more struggles, and I would feel dishonest by not including the whole story, not just the pretty parts, in my writing. I don't think he would be as comfortable as I am with sharing the whole story.

One of the "Stepping" books I'm reading now states, very clearly, something that really resonates with me and something I wish I would have read before joining the family. Other women I know might benefit from it too. But I wonder how others -- Craig and his kids, and his late-wife's family & friends (especially those who seem to judge me/us frequently) -- might feel about it.

"We are stepmothers for one reason and one reason only: we love the father of these children. In the fullness of time, we may also grow to love the children, but that is not our first priority. Next to caring for ourselves, loving our man and strengthening our marriage are of the primary importance because both increase our happiness and create a secure foundation for the children involved. As the poet Rilke emphasizes, love is not easy. And love that comes with a ready-made family is even more difficult. Therefore, we need to faithfully make time to rekindle our love and remember why we married."

"We all want our marriages to thrive. To insure that they do, we need to make a conscious commitment to the challenge of nurturing our union. While children can bring us closer, they can also create divisive chasms. It is in the best interest of all to first build a joyful and stable relationship with our husbands and then invite the children to join in. Children crave the security and modeling of a companionable and cohesive partnership. Your unity as a couple, as well as your commitment to yourself as an individual, will be a tremendous boon in helping the kids develop into caring and self-confident adults."

With the above statements in mind I want to honestly relate them to my own life and ask others who can also relate to comment if they feel comfortable. Adjusting to living in a home full of children who are not mine, especially with one whom I feel should be living on his own by now, has been my second greatest challenge and frustration. Living in a house built, furnished, decorated and organized by another woman has been my third greatest challenge. These two combined have a huge impact on my first greatest challenge -- building a solid relationship with Craig -- because they affect my whole being. They put a huge burden on my schedule, my energy, my comfort, my efficiency, my mood, my creative spirit - and most of all time to take care of myself, nourish my relationship with my husband, and meet the needs of my own daughters.

Life has changed drastically for me since I moved from my beautiful, quiet, roomy old home on West Madison Street 2 1/2 years ago. But life changed drastically for me a year before that, and a few years before that, and I survived: A career I loved vanished, a daughter left the nest, a young person I loved died, another job was lost, my husband chose to leave our family unit to love another, I had freedom to find myself, another job was lost, I met my true love, another daughter left the nest, then I abandoned the nest to help rebuild one, but found other birds there resisted rebuilding, I lost myself and I struggle daily to find me again. It's been wonderful, it's been horrible, it's been fun, it's been exhausting, I've grown, I've regressed, I've laughed and I've cried. I know there is a lot of work ahead but I know I'm up for it and I know in the end I will look back and know it was the greatest experience of my life.

I invite other women who have had similar experiences to share, either as a comment on this blog or privately to me at julie.dishman@gmail.com. We might be a help to each other.