Seasons change, love remains

I can't believe summer is almost gone. I am never ready to say goodbye to summer and hello to fall. Who wants to say farewell to longer days filled with warm sunshine, fresh food, wildflowers and green trees, family outings, long walks and road trips? I want to hold them tight and never let go.

Why can't winter pass so quickly?

"Half moon in a steel gray sky, dark clouds hovering, desperate, icy fingers clasp sleepy fields, rather wakened by the warm kiss of a spring sunrise." 

I'm not ready to see the landscapes that inspired this verse I wrote on my way to work one morning last winter. I try to make the best of winter, to just accept it and be patient, but winter hurts -- the gray, cold, emptiness that lasts forever literally hurts.

I have to admit that it's difficult for me to enjoy fall as much as I should when in the back of my mind I'm haunted by the thought that winter is on its way.  It's almost like the overwhelming beauty of the colorful, changing leaves taunt me and remind me the world will all too soon be gray and cold.

And fall is bittersweet, a reminder of both life and death for me and my family.

Our family celebrates the birth of three of our daughters in the fall. My husband and I celebrate our wedding anniversary and my youngest daughter and I celebrate the day I became her second mom.

In the fall we also commemorate the anniversaries of the deaths of two people we love -- my husband's first wife, who passed seven years ago, and my oldest daughter's first love, who died the September before. My first marriage both began and officially ended in the fall. Halloween is my husband's first wife's birthday. And then of course there is September 11th, a day that changed the world.

It's unfortunate that much of fall's sweetness is related to the bitterness. That's always on my mind and often pains me. We are able to celebrate our love because we lost someone we love. We are able to celebrate because of and in spite of our losses.   

"Ready or not, here I come!" fall is calling out to me, while I think about hiding from its painful ways. I sometimes want to pull my covers over my head and sleep through September, like in the Green Day song, to escape the pain, but that's just not me.  Not only do I believe in facing hard things head on, I also know if I sleep through fall I'll miss the beauty of the season and the celebrations of the lives and loves I hold so dear. Instead of escaping, I will celebrate our daughters' birthdays and our anniversary, while also remembering our loved ones who are now gone. I know from experience new love does not erase past love; past love does not diminish current love.

Winter is calling too but winter is a pain in the ass.  I think I'll sleep through winter. Or move to Florida.

--------------------

Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

like my father's come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when September ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when September ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

-------------------------

Collin Raye - Love Remains

We are born one fine day
Children of God on our way
Mama smiles daddy cries
Miracle before their eyes
They protect us til' we're of age
Through it all love remains

Boy moves on and takes a bride
She stands faithful by his side
Tears and sweat they build a home
Raise a family of their own
They share joy they share pain
Through it all love remains

Kingdoms come and go but they don't last
Before you know the future is the past
In spite of what's been lost
Or what's been gained
We are living proof that love remains

I don't know baby what I'd do
On this earth without you
We all live we all die
But the end is not goodbye
The sun comes up the seasons change
But throught it all love remains
An eternal burning flame
Hope lives on and love remains

  

Room to Breath

Sometimes I pick up a book, open it at a random spot and read a passage, just to see if and how it might speak to me at that moment.  Sometimes it's perfectly fitting to what is going on in my life at that time; sometimes it's so ridiculously unrelated to my circumstances that I get a good laugh and move on. Last Friday this is what I read during my lunch:

"Vocation does not come from willfulness. It comes from listening. I must listen to my life and try to understand what it is truly about -- quite apart from what I would like it to be about -- or my life will never represent anything real in the world, no matter how earnest my intentions."

"That insight is hidden in the word vocation itself, which is rooted in the Latin for "voice". Vocation does not mean a goal that I pursue. It means a calling that I hear. Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am. I must listen for the truths and values at the heart of my own identity, not the standards by which I must live -- by the standards by which I cannot help but live if I am living my own life."

This passage was perfectly fitting for me on Friday.

I had just finished eating my lunch of leftovers and reading the "Chronicle of Higher Education" (more proof I am a nerd who has to read all the time, even while eating) in our quiet little break room nicknamed "Patmos", which is modestly situated in a garage across the driveway from the historic house where my reception desk is located.  I spotted my favorite Parker Palmer book in a collection of his books, stacked on one of the library shelves that line one whole wall of Patmos (insert shiver of delight here...library...books). I picked it up and opened it to a random spot, knowing any page I chose, any line I chose to read, would speak directly to me.  I wouldn't expect anything less from a book titled "Let Your Life Speak", of course.  It's one I have at home, with underlines, highlights, handwritten notes and folded down pages.

I smiled as I read the familiar passage, for on that day I celebrated a month of working at the Quaker seminary, where I finally have "space" to listen to my life.

Unlike in my last job, it's not so crazy busy here, wildly chaotic, that I can't hear, can't focus, can't react appropriately to the demands of the job. I can focus on doing each task (large and small) well. It's not stressing me out so badly that I sit in my car and cry, or snap at the sixth person to ask me to help them in a one minute period. It doesn't completely zap me of my energy so I can't meet the needs of the other areas of my life - my family, my hobbies, my home, my friends and myself. It's so nice to have time and energy again to reconnect with friends, be creative and travel a bit.

A photo I took during a lunchtime walk at ESR

The people who I work with are so caring, respectful and warm. It seems to me they truly embody the principles and practices that guide the institution's mission (community, respect for persons, integrity, simplicity, peace & justice).  They care about the community, locally and globally, and are working for the common good, not just their own good, both here at the seminary and in their personal lives.  Their volunteer work on their own time simply amazes me. Besides, they truly appreciate my experience and skills and truly want me to contribute in a way that best suits me, not just the organization. It's a real Quaker community in action, not just words.

I feel like I'm doing meaningful work because I'm helping others do their jobs well. I help solve problems, I provide information, I direct people to useful resources, I help create materials used for teaching, I provide support to those ministering to others. I'm not making a lot of money but I am getting paid appropriately for the work that I do here (or I am now able to do the work that is appropriate for what I'm getting paid). I have good benefits and know that if I have to support myself in the near or far future, I can...well maybe with the addition of a weekend job or free-lance work.

Others may see me as a failure because I'm "only a receptionist and secretary" or because I don't make a lot of money.  They might think I'm not a success because my job doesn't relate to my college major of art education.  Oh wait, that wasn't even my final major because I didn't complete student teaching; my real major was "general studies" -- so I guess my job and my major do relate.

But right now I feel very successful.

I have struggled with this for many years, but I now understand my job does not define me.  It's not who I am and it's not the only thing in my life to give me a purpose.  It's just one component of my life. When I lose a job, or leave a job, I am still me and I still have the same "calling" to be of service to others.  When I'm in a job that doesn't suit me well and the rest of my life is out of balance, I still have a desire to provide information to others, to guide them and to help them grow.  I still have a desire to inspire.  I have learned there are so many other ways to go about fulfilling my "purpose" than through my paid job.

However (and this is a big "however"), my paid job MUST mesh well with the other parts of my life. It must not knock the other aspects of my life out of balance. It must allow me space to breath, space to grow.  The work I am expected to do and the mission of the organization, must not work against my personal values and goals. It must support me and my family in many ways other than just financially.

I always tell young people that they can't know what they want to do with their lives until they know what they don't want to do, and they can't know that until they try it. Even if they come away from the experience and say, "Holy crap, that was horrible!", they have learned something about themselves. It's a wonderful opportunity to examine what they did and figure out why it just didn't work for them. If they listen to their bodies, listen to their minds and listen to their spirits they can then know what is NOT the right direction for them, which will eventually lead them in the right direction. If they don't listen to their lives they run risk of getting sick -- their bodies, minds and and souls will become ill -- depression, anxiety, obesity, insomnia, high blood pressure, etc. The list is long.

Right now I'm successful because I have listened to my life. I listened to the voice within me and made a change that is already feeling healthier, more natural, more useful, more me. I will keep listening and keep making adjustments as my life speaks to me, knowing "Vocation is not a goal to be achieved, but a gift to be received."

A perfect example of  the beauty of "space" in my life.