Journey of a Lifetime

I know it's not healthy to have a "good day" or "bad day" based on the numbers on the scale, but I can't help but feel happiness when the scale tells me I lost weight since my last weigh in, or sadness when I have gained.  It changes my whole outlook on life for hours, even days. Only those who have struggled with their weight for most of their adult life can understand that feeling. Yes, I know it's wrong, but for me that's life and it's real.

I have been "thin" only twice in my adult life. And when I say thin I mean in the lower half of the healthy weight range some experts somewhere calculated. Most of my adult life I have actually been at least 10% above the healthy weight range, or in other words, obese.  I hate that word. 

The first time I was thin was the year before I married my first husband, when I was in my early 20's. I give credit to doing Yoga and walking several miles per day, and constantly counting calories. Of course I still felt "not thin enough" because I was larger than most of my friends and roommates, my sisters and most of the other young young women I saw every day.  I was at that weight only a short time until I married, then I slowly gained about 15 pounds, even though I watched what I ate and continued to walk and do Yoga.

The second time was during the few years after I gave birth for the last time, in my late 20's. When my youngest was 6 months old I started Weight Watchers and within six months I lost 30 pounds, reaching my pre-set goal.  Within the next several months I lost another 10 pounds and was told by WW to stop losing because I was at the lowest end of my healthy range.  It was fun to be called "too skinny" for once in my life. My sisters told me my arms looked like Hollywood arms.  My friend told me my protruding collar bones made me look like I was sick.  I loved being referred to as the "the skinny sister". Even when my husband told me "You are almost there, but not quite" I felt good being thin.

Me at 29 years old, at my Weight Watcher
goal weight, a healthy size 9.

Me in the pink skirt, at 30 years old, 10 pounds under my
Weight Watcher goal weight.

For about 3 years I was consumed by staying thin. I went to Weight Watchers every week to weigh in and get motivation, making sure I wore light weight clothes and used the bathroom before I stepped on the scale, to weigh my absolute lightest. I wrote down and calculated everything I ate in my little diary and planned every meal. I had a magnet on my refrigerator that read "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels". I wore a button that read "Please don't feed the Weight Watcher".  I was proud to be a "Life Time Member" of Weight Watchers -- just because I had reached and maintained my goal weight for 6 weeks. I swore I would never be fat again. A pound or two gain made me feel horrible about myself and my ability to maintain something good.

But on the plus side I drank lots of water, I ate balanced meals (less bread, lots of veggies, fruit and only lean meats), and I kept a food journal. I felt good, I felt healthy, I felt beautiful (unless I gained a pound or two).

Then over the next 10 to 15 years I slowly gained back all of the weight I had lost on Weight Watchers -- plus more. WW had changed their plan, I moved away from the local meeting, the meeting leader quit and I didn't like the new one, I was working full time and going to college, I had kids to take care of, I realized I was sensitive to artificial sweeteners and they caused me to have joint pain, I had a sleep disorder.  Boy could I rationalize that weight gain. Of course I dieted.  Of course I started exercise programs. I felt good as I lost weight, I felt bad when I gained. Over and over and over.

I also became depressed and started taking an antidepressant, which caused me to gain 30 pounds in six months. I weighed 10 pounds more than I did on the day I gave birth to both my daughters.

One day I complained about the medication making me gain weight.  My young daughter heard me and asked, "Mommy, why are you taking the medicine?"

I told her "For depression".

She replied, "But doesn't it make you more depressed that it made you fat?"

Well yes, child, thank you for the insight! It also made me fuzzy and unfocused. I was 40 years old and in the worst shape of my life, physically and emotionally. I needed to do something. So I went off the medication and tried natural therapies, exercise, healthier foods, counseling and prayer.   I tried Weight Watchers again but the new plan just didn't help me lose. Even if I was totally faithful to the plan I would struggle to lose just a few pounds. I pulled myself out of the depression but lost only 10 pounds of the weight I had gained because of the antidepressant.  For the next five years I felt bad about myself, I started and failed at diets, and started and quit exercise programs.  I felt good as I lost weight, bad as I gained. Over and over and over.

When I turned 45 I had a break through.  I decided I wanted to be healthier so I joined Balance Life, a circuit gym a few blocks from my house at the time.  I visited it at least four times per week, sometimes five, and worked out for 30-45 minutes per day.  I drank lots of water.  I ate healthier foods and kept a food journal.  I often walked there to get some added exercise in.  I loved feeling better,  younger, more vibrant.  I also loved losing 30 pounds in six months and looking better, younger and more vibrant.

But then I had a hysterectomy and had to stop exercising for six weeks.  Six weeks in the middle of winter.  Six weeks of not working, not working out, not eating well.  Six weeks of gaining weight.  But after six weeks I went back and took off a few of the pounds I gained while I was convalescing, but not all.

Then my husband of 24 years left me -- for a younger, much, much thinner woman.  I didn't care to eat. My stomach hurt too much to eat. When I did eat I ate just a few bites because the food had no taste. Besides not eating I walked all the time. All the time. Instead of curling up in a ball and crying about my loss, I walked. I walked and walked and walked.

I quickly lost the weight I had gained after my hysterectomy plus a little bit more.  I was not only thinner, I also had better muscle tone than I had since my 20's, thanks to working out and walking so much. Even when I watched television I exercised -- walking, dancing and jumping around in place during the commercials.

Me at 47 years old, soon after I met my current husband,
feeling fit and comfortable in my own skin, if not "thin". All the charts still had me in the "obese" range.

I considered myself in the best shape of my life.  Ironically I weighed about what I weighed after I gave birth to my daughters, right before I started Weight Watchers almost 20 years earlier.  I was still 10 pounds above what the experts considered my healthy range.  I was till wearing a size 14.  But I felt beautiful. People told me I glowed. Men, young and old, showed me attention.

Then I started dating my current husband and when we married just seven months later my life changed drastically.  I moved out of town into the country, I had much less time of my own to exercise, my diet changed because my new family ate much differently than I did and it was too difficult to make meals for them and myself, my new schedule didn't allow for regular exercise, it was more difficult to walk in the country than it was in town. Balance Life closed. My good habits didn't just slip away, they fell away with a huge clunk and I began gaining weight.

The summer after we married, about 5 pounds heavier than
when we married, and feeling so bad about gaining weight

In the last 7 1/2 years since we married I have slowly gained and lost, gained and lost, and gained within a range of 25-30 pounds. In other words, at this moment I weigh 18 pounds more than what I weighed on my first date with my husband, while two summers ago I weighed almost 10 pounds less than now, and the winter before about what I weigh now, etc.  Up and down, up and down, depending on the seasons, depending on how healthy I am eating, depending on what exercise I'm getting.

I lost 12 pounds for my daughter's wedding but I was still
20 pounds above a "healthy weight"

I gained some of it back later that summer, but was still 30 pounds
less than my all time high

So after all these years of watching my weight go up and down I still know, when I weigh less I feel better about myself and I'm more likely to get out of the house and spend time with friends. I realize I weigh less and feel better because I'm exercising more and I'm eating more better foods. When I weigh more I tend to want to stay at home. I understand that I weigh more because I'm not as active and I'm not making good food choices.  I know the the cause and affect yet it's difficult for me to get out of the cycle and back on track to better health.  I'm so tired of the cycle of ups and downs, feeling good and feeling bad, starting over to have my good habits fade away, that I honestly feel sick to my stomach when I think about "starting over" with logging and counting everything and calorie I eat and starting another exercise program. I've done it so many times. Also, I realize I now need to eat even less and exercise even more to lose weight than I did in my 20's and 30's, and that's terribly discouraging.

Me, on the left, at 52 1/2, feeling bloated and overly plump
next to my sisters, about 12 pounds from my all time high weight.

But I'm sorry, the "If you are tired of starting over, then don't quit" adage that the constantly-fit people have plastered on their Facebook pages and Pinterest boards make me want to hit someone.  I don't quit consciously; I quit, or let my good habits slip away, because of real life circumstances that keep me from moving in the direction I want to go.  I really, truly try to keep motivated and moving.  However, sometimes it's just too difficult to plan every meal and every movement that will make me healthier, to write down everything I eat, to plan every meal, to schedule time to workout every day -- and that's what it takes to keep me fit, I have learned. Sometimes the stress of trying to fit it all in is too overwhelming and too confining, and I can't keep it up. And to be perfectly honest I don't really enjoy most exercise and I really, really love food.

Me just 10 pounds under my highest weight ever, not how I wanted to look at Alyssa's wedding last summer.

We all have priorities and I guess getting sleep, time with family and friends, earning a living and maintaining an appropriately clean and organized home, and enjoying good tasting food is more important to me that being thin. However, I know that being thinner and healthier will make all the above easier and more fulfilling. Having better health will have a positive impact on all areas of my life, yet I simply can't keep up, on a regular basis, the habits I need to stay healthier. Can you tell I'm conflicted?

Me last fall, feeling really bloated and plump.

Anyway, I know there are many women like me who struggle as I struggle, and there are many women who are unlike me and staying fit and trim comes easy to them or they enjoy it. They love to exercise, I don't. They don't mind the sacrifice, I do. I wonder, do they never have self-esteem issues? Does staying fit and trim mean they constantly feel good about themselves? Are they generally happier with themselves and their lives? Does being fit and trim make everything else in their lives that much easier and fulfilling for them?

Reading back on what I've just written I notice I started out writing about being "thin" and I've ended writing about being "fit" and healthy. I know I'm never going to be as thin as I was when I was 14, or 22, but I also know I can be a reasonably fit, healthy 55 year old if I create some healthy balance in my life, and that's what I need to strive for -- healthy, good tasting foods and enjoyable physical activity as much as possible. I know by now I'm not going to stick to a weight loss plan that requires me to go overboard by cutting calories and eliminating foods, writing down everything I eat and scheduling a specific amount of exercise every day.  I'm just not going to do it.  I know that by now.  I also know my weight does not define who I am, at least in my eyes. I've got to be happy with who I am, inside and out.

Me at 14 years old, when I thought I was fat.
I wish I could go back and tell myself to enjoy myself
and appreciate how I felt and looked.

           
So a month ago, on January 2, I decided, "It's time". I'm going to be 55 in May and I don't want to feel and look like this on my birthday. I signed up for the online Weight Watcher program. I've been faithful to the program for a month and I have easily lost 11 pounds. The ap is easy to use, the food I am eating satisfies me.

Then this week I decided to fall back to a lifestyle program that I learned 35 years ago and have fallen back to many times.  Yoga. I have decided to practice it religiously, daily, for 6 months.  Already I am feeling lighter, more relaxed, more flexible, more poised and stronger. I've also noticed my thoughts and focus have changed.  I'm not letting social media posts bother me so much. I'm not reacting to negative things in such a negative way. My outlook is brighter.

I'll keep you updated and I invite you to join me in my journey!